Last year I went to my OBGYN and told her I needed Prozac.  After spending a fair amount of time with me she concluded I needed coping skills to handle my three "Spirited"  boys at home, not medication. This year I went back for my annual with a new complaint:

"I'd like to get some blood work done."  

"Why?" she asked.  

"I think there's something wrong with my thyroid or Estrogen or Progesterone levels".  

The Doctor smiled.

"I've gained 13 pounds this past year! I eat less, work out more and..."

She interrupted, "how old are you now?"

"37."

"How's your sleep and are you getting enough?"

"Lousy and no."

"How's your stress level been this year?"

"Through the roof."

"Well, there's your 13 pounds.  Welcome to the club."  She offered the words with a smile, as though this was some Sorority I had wanted to join!  I drove home discouraged. 

Over the course of the next two weeks it seemed every mom-friend my age was going through the same thing:  "8 pounds in the last 6 months, 30 pounds in the past 3 years, 10 pounds last year..."  Other women who are older than I am say the same: "My mid-30s were rough emotionally, hormonally, marriage-wise...  but the sudden weight gain was the real kicker!"  I'm beginning to think that it must be the affect of all the other stressors converging at this age.

Learning to fit me into the equation of our family life has been one of the toughest parts of being a mother for me.  Laying down my life to meet the needs of others is easy enough, submitting to the wants and desires of others, even a pleasure, but after 7 plus years of this I find myself unsure how to take care of myself again.  I started a couple of months ago with Jillian Michaels' work-out DVD, "Shredded." It's only 2o minutes long, was my reasoning, my children can learn that I have needs too and wait for what they want for a measly 20 minutes each day.  And it was a good place to start.  But it simply hasn't been enough to achieve the refreshing I long for, or the endorphins everyone swears will start coursing through my being.

Like all women I want to find the answer, or the equation to beat nature.  What am I missing?  What will it take?  What's next?  

I think, for me, it begins with learning to fit myself back into the picture that is our family portrait.  For a number of reasons.  First I need it, and second to that my husband and children need the reminder that I am a special and unique and beloved individual as well.  Now I'm not saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"  I'm just saying that I need to be a healthy, vibrant part of my family again.  And the more I live life joyfully, with health and passion, the more they will enjoy me, the more I will enjoy myself, and, I imagine, my body will start to show it.  

I've quoted many times over these past years one of my favorite Bible verses, John 15:13; Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for a friend.  True love is laying down our lives to pick up the lives of those around us.  Jesus is our ultimate example in this type of love, and His was so great He displayed it all the way to the cross. And for Moms, this verse is a marvelous picture of how to love.  But here is the part I've been missing...

God loved me to the point of death, literally.  He wants me to die figuratively for the benefit of my family.

I cannot keep on loving and serving and laying down my own life each day, if I die literally.  And so there is a balance that must be struck.  A balance between laying down our own life to lift up the lives of those around me, and caring for myself so that I might continue to serve them with fresh love and joy each day.  I can't love them if I am literally dead, and not getting in to see the Dentist and Doctor, not eating right because we're always on the go, and not learning how to express my needs to my family will be the beginning of the end for me.  God loves me.  God loves me and laid down His own life that I might live, both now and forever more.  I need to live as though I am loved that much, even as I live to die to myself each day in this intense season of mothering.  It's a tricky line we waltz.

Lay down my life for others, yes, but lay it down as  a daughter of the King not a door mat!  Lay it down fresh each day, not worn out and dying a martyr's death.

And that second blessing that comes from learning to live again is paramount!  As our family learns we are a vital part of the family we remain engaged to our spouse because we stay in touch with those things about us he first fell in love with.  And, we set the stage for the way our sons will grow to perceive the roles of their future wives.   They need us refreshed and healthy, living to serve; they need us to teach them that we have passions and hobbies, and that we think things and like music and going for walks and sipping tea and a night out with friends... If we do not teach them we are special and unique, but let those special areas of our life die, we will have wrongly applied John 15:13 to our lives and our loved ones will miss out on the treasures we are.  We are alive and beloved!  And that is beautiful!  Will it be the ticket to helping us stay trim?  Maybe, maybe not.  Goodness, I don't know.  I'm just thinking as I write.

I remember complaining to my mom, one "fat day" in 1999, about how terrible I looked. She smiled tenderly and said,"you'll never look this good again."  It seemed like an awful thing to say, but I know now what she meant;  we'll never be that young again, our metabolisms will never run that smooth again, our lives back then were unhindered by the needs and demands of others, and we skipped to the gym and went roller blading on the beach for the sheer pleasure of it, unconcerned about who was waiting for us to pick them up from school or make them a snack.

And yet I think it's possible my mom wasn't right about never looking that good again.  I think that the goal is that we can look even better than in our 20s, if we're open to a different sort of beautiful;  The beauty that comes from a life poured out and replenished each day by God Himself.  True beauty is developed as we  follow Christ's example of the greatest love of all while raising our children, serving our husband, ministering to the hurting in our midst, all the while remembering  that God showed an even greater love for me...   O, how precious we are to Him!  

It is important that we learn to fit ourselves back into our families!  Our children need us alive, not dead; our husbands need us alive and happy to be waking up next to him again, not sluggish and complaining; our families need us to teach them that mothers and wives are blessed gifts to be praised, and so we must treat ourselves accordingly.

I'm just thinking... it is my goal to start living these truths.  I'll keep you posted as I travel on.

Sojourn with me,

Wen