I've come to the recent conclusion that God wants a yes-heart from me, even more than the specifics of what He is calling me to say "yes" to.  

"Will you do this, dear girl?...  Would you be wiling to cancel your plans tonight to stay home and love on a sick child?... What if I call you to step out of your comfortable life to embrace a less comfortable one?...  What would you say if I asked you to adopt?...  What about home schooling your children?... What would you say if I asked you to fight for the ill-treated, lonely and desolate?  Would you go if I called you to the inner city?... Africa?  Or better yet... your neighbors?  Would you say, "Yes?"

Do you have a "yes-heart"?  

I want one.  I want one, more than I have one.  If that makes sense.  But I think, tonight, God is simply pleased with my desire to please Him; He will take my still weak and nay-saying selfish heart, and refine it by and by.  I believe it.

My transforming journey toward a "yes-heart" began back when I placed my first born son into a Christian Preschool program when he was three.  I had a one and a half year old at home and was pregnant with a third little boy.  While my life was full, I wasn't exactly looking for a reprieve. The main reason I put Caleb in preschool for those two mornings a week was because... well... that's what everyone was doing.  I was sure everyone had to be right.  So off he went.

It wasn't long at all and Caleb was asking, "Mommy, why can't you just be my teacher?  Why can't I stay home with my brothers?"  It was then that I felt God asking me, "Would you?  Would you be his teacher?  And would you let him just be home with you and his brothers?  Would you teach him his days of the week and months of the years, his letters and his numbers?"  I knew the answer to the pointed question.  "Yeah... you bet."  It was a no brainer.  It was, after all, just preschool.

O how I loved schooling together at home.  While Brody and our little Asher napped, Caleb and I would read and play and bake.  We journeyed through our Hooked on Phonics learning curriculum, as well as their Hooked on Bible program.  We also began our adventure into a mutual passion for my reading aloud to him.  And there were number games and puzzles, learning sticker books, and a crafty little alphabet book we made from discarded magazines, stickers, and anything else that inspired us.  I made a game board for us to practice our letters and the sounds they make, and ever time he got one right he'd get a Pez.  We called it our "Treat Game."  By the time he was four, my Caleb was a sweet little reader with unusually good penmanship. 

It was all so easy and natural and wonderful.  I loved it!   And then something happened.  Caleb turned into the most independent, strong-willed, social-loving child.  He lit up at play-dates and Sunday School; learning with other mothers at co-ops was a thrill; and, in short, he seemed to thrive away from my side.  It was not that he disliked being home with us, but he blossom more and more each time he hopped out of the car and waved good-bye over his shoulder.  My husband and I both realized that a formal school setting was likely going to be a better fit for our son at this age and so we enrolled him at a local Christian School for Kindergarten.

I wrote a bit about what felt like a trip on the spinning tea cups at Disneyland.  You see, I'd said "yes" to home-schooling him and now I was dropping him off for five full days of school each week. It was all so confusing.   

Around the same time a mentor-friend of mine (30 years my senior) was celebrating her husband's retirement.  They had dreams of traveling abroad and spending great gobs of time helping with their grandchildren.  And then the news came that her ailing Mother-in-law needed more care than her retirement community could provide.  The options were spread out before them and all signs pointed to moving her into their home and caring for her themselves.  It was with a loving (albeit breaking) heart that they said "yes", knowing that their plans were being thwarted so.  But by the time they moved her into their guest room and reorganized their lives to answer this call, their hearts were fully involved and even excited. And then, only two months later, my friends Mother-in-law had deteriorated beyond their own abilities to care for her.  And so they worked with their siblings to find a better option.  

We sat together over tea one night and talked through the similarities of our situations.  We'd both been called to something we didn't expect or really want, but we'd said "yes".  Almost immediately we'd both felt joy in following God's apparent lead, only to feel a Spiritual bucket of ice water poured on our heads and hearts when doors seemed to close and our paths were redirected.

What was the point of it all?

The point was and always is... our hearts.

God wants us to say yes to Him today.  Tomorrow there may be another call, a closed door or an open one, a different prompting, or an obvious need directly in our path.  He may call us to something or call us away from something, and those somethings may happen in confusing succession.  But what He wants... what he always wants... are hearts fully devoted to Him; hearts that say "yes."

"Yes-hearts."

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P.S. - Matt and I are evaluating our second born's needs right now and realize that homeschooling may be the right thing for him.  It's interesting to me how quickly I'm saying "YES" to the idea this time around.  Almost as though God prepared my heart then, to say yes now.  

P.P.S - Similarly, I recently posted here about my heart to adopt.  While my husband and I both sense it's not for today, we both feel God preparing our hearts for a yes when that call comes.  Of course I'm eager to know the day and the way it will arrive, but today my heart is being toiled to receive the seed that will produce a beautiful and ready "yes"... someday.