I'll tell you right now that I should be too ashamed to write this post.  But then I realized that these embarrassing posts are the ones that encourage those in the trenches the absolute most.  

Last night as I lay cuddling my Middle-est we talked about all the things he likes the best: Coloring, Star War, Coloring Star Wars, Riding Bikes, Battling with Swords, Cuddling with Mommy...  When he said, "I know what you like best."  I smiled, fully expecting some darling response like, "You like being with us best!" or "You love to bake for us!"  Maybe even the funny "You like laundry best" because I do it so often.  But instead my perceptive lad said, "You like being left alone."

Shocked I drew back from our cuddle-hold and said, "What do you mean?"

"Just what I said, you like it when we all leave so you can be alone."

Honestly I don't have any idea what I said after that, but I've spent the past few hours thinking on it again.  I do love... no that's not right... I do LOVE... still not close.... Okay, I  

L O V E ! ! ! 

having time to myself.  I may even be a bit giddy when I drop them off for an afternoon with friends.  But I don't love my alone time best of all.  I need my alone time, DESPERATELY IN FACT, so that I can regroup and refresh before returning to what and whom I love best.  

My boys.

But this perception that I love being left alone more than I love them needs some more of my attention.  It is true that I am deeply tired these days.  I am learning to homeschool, still settling in to our new home, and flying solo much of the time as my husband begins his new job.  I have one child who has terrible growing pains in the middle of multiple nights each week, and another who's night terrors chase him into my bed (and into my rib cage) in the early morning hours of each new day!  And then there is my oldest who stays up late reading and wants to tell me all about his latest literary adventures when the lights go out.  This is also the son who argues with me during the day so much that I'm wearied simply from the contrary-ness of it all.  Yes, I am weary.  And I 

L O V E ! ! !

my alone time to rest and prepare for battle to love them fresh, again... with Grace.

But what can I do when we are together to let them know that they are my joy and my favorite people in the world even when I am tired?  What can I do to fill their hearts with the awareness that I delight in them the way Brody delights in a brand new Star Wars Coloring Book? How can I love Caleb in such a way that he knows he is more special to me than his latest "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" book is to him?  

I decided to give myself some goals to work on that will still my striving heart so that I might be still with my precious children.  

1)  When my children have things to share that are paramount in their lives I will stop my work to sit and delight in what they delight in.

2)  I will begin a new read aloud with my oldest, since we share a love of good books.

3)  I will praise them more than I am and try to correct them with more gentle instruction and less nagging.

4)    I will schedule more days and nights at home when I am not allowed to work. Simply play with my most favorite people.

5) I will teach them to help pick up 2 times a day so that Mommy isn't spending all her energy working instead of abiding with them.  This way I might actually not need so many breaks away from my darling little mess makers!

It is true that not everything fits orderly in my life right now.  There is simply too much and I am exhausted.  But when something's gotta give, I can't let it be my children's hearts.  I must hold tight with loving hands.  

The delight has gone from my eyes in the midst of all these transitions it seems.  Yes, it's obvious.  When a 6 year old calls you out, you must admit it's true.  My eyes must not grow dull from lack of sleep. They need to reflect the delight their Heavenly Father has for them.

What will you do to delight in your children this week, so that they don't feel you'd rather be left alone?

My dear friend Tammy Labuda at Tammy Labuda Photography took these pictures and blogged about the time she spend with our family here.  It is an encouragement to me that, by His Grace, there is great love being shared in our home.  But everyone can get run down now and again. That's me right now.  Run down and in need of a tune up.  But here are pictures from this summer, before the wearying winds swept through my world.