I've joked with friends about my psychological condition I've finally labeled, "Homeschool Envy."  Recently, however, it's become quiet intense.  Not only do many of my dearest friends homeschool their children, but most of my on-line mentors educate their children at home as well.  But the deepest pull is that three years ago I felt God ask me if I would be willing to homeschool... it was a long road before I said, "Yes."  And then a number of things happened in our family life that caused my husband and me to believe home-education would not be best for our individual children, or the family as a whole.  And so we decided to send them to a nearby Private Christian School.

Talk about stepping off the spinning tea cups at Disneyland!  It was such an emotional journey to even get to the place where I was willing to homeschool the boys, and then I really did catch the vision, only to feel led away from it again.  As I talked with God and listened to His heart for me, I left the roller-coaster ride with this main take-away... God wants all of me, available to all of Him.  He may not ask me to go to Africa, but he wants to hear me say, "Hear I am, send me."  He may not use me to foster orphans, but he wants my heart to cry, "Yes, Lord... if that's your will for our family!"  He sees into my heart, perceives my availability, and cares how moldable and sensitive to Him I am.  

Getting available... That was the journey I was on three years ago.  

Today there is a part of me that still hungers for the vision I caught hold of when the boys were 4, 2, and 6 months old.  My dear friend Angie, who home-schools her 2nd Grade boy and Kinder-girl, often reminds me that I am homeschooling my kids, just not full time.  And I know that it's true.  Just yesterday I had my Kinder-boy home (he only goes to class three days a week this year) for his homeschool day (yes, we do call it that!)   These at home days are for playing, exploring, and allowing me time to supplement his learning with projects that engage his unique learning modality and focus on his specific needs.  

Here he is playing "stack the numbers," because I knew he wasn't identifying the number 12.  (see the bottom picture?)   Afterwards we worked on his piano lesson and then crawled in bed so he could read me his new book, "The Fat Cat Sat on the Mat."  Later I read him a chapter from "Lady Lollipop" and then we got down the bag of Halloween candy for a little celebration.  

Asher spent the time coloring in his Preschool coloring book and changing in and out of various costumes.  We listened to music, had lunch, and went outside to play, all before picking big Brother up from school at 2:45.  These idyllic moments together make me heart-sick sometimes.

And yet I know myself.  

Just as I know my boys' learning styles and personalities, I must recognize mine as welll.  First of all, I've never been able to take on as many tasks as my peers. In College I had to take one class less than all my friends.  I just couldn't function with a full load.  I've also always needed 8-9 hours of sleep.  If I consistently get less I become a wheel of revolving illness'.  I know these basic truths about myself more than ever, now that I'm loving a family and keeping a home.  I simply shut down when more is put upon me.  It's not cognitive, or selfish, it's part of how I'm wired, fearfully and wonderfully.  I'm coming to accept that.

Another thing I recognize, that is linked tightly to this first bit of self knowledge, is the importance of a peaceful home for my husband.  We have visited the homes of friends who homeschool, (if you are one of my home-schooling friends, no... I'm not talking about you!)  and my husband often says on the way home... "it's good we have the boys in school... I couldn't live in that chaos."  

O we've chaos, don't misunderstand me.  I just have to choose the chaos as best I can so that our home is somewhat peaceful for my hard working man, and the specific needs he has...  Yes, there are women out there who can do more than I can.  They can teach and clean, cook creative meals and serve... but I'm not them.  I'm me.   And just as God's given me insight to see the unique needs of my own kiddos, and my husband's needs as well, He's always given me the gracious eyes to see and acknowledge my own self.  It's a balancing act that requires grace.  Grace with the kids, grace with my man, grace with myself.