I don't have the vantage point I need from this side of glory to know why God saw fit to make me the mother of boys, but He did. It's been messy so far. I hate to be this honest right off the bat, but it has been. Not just messy with frogs and bugs, cookie crumbs, spilled milk, and sand from the beach ground deep into the seams of my wood floors... but MESSSY... the kind of messy that's harder to clean and more difficult to describe.
Messy Emotionally, Messy Spiritually, Messy in my heart more than in my home. Messy, Messy, Messy...
The kind of Messy that drives me to Jesus before the Sun has fully risen each day.
What's a lady doing with a pack of boys? And loud ones too... Are they all loud? And dirty? I was made for peace and quiet, poetry, scones and roses! Truly, I'm the kind who naturally stops and smells them! The type who hums hymns, memorizes sonnets, and takes her tea white. It's all a little antiquated and nauseating for some, but it's me.
But how in the world can this type of Lady raise boys? By God's Grace, each day. Yes, by His Grace each and every Messy day.
If mothering hadn't proven so difficult for me these past few years, I think I would have been proud of myself and lost sight that all that is good comes from Him!
Since I'm naturally a nurturer and long dreamed of the day I'd set up my easel, make chocolate chip cookies, and stomp in mud puddles with my perfectly tempered children, I could have taken pride in my mothering and their developing character had all things worked out just so. But it's not working out as I had planned, like I said, it's messier than that. In light of my unrealistic expectations I've been able to see just how unlady-like I can be, just how unloving my heart can feel, and how overwhelmed I can get. From this point on I will forever boast solely in Christ in me! Any merit that comes out of me as a mom, a wife, a teacher, or friend is simply His grace and love at work in me.
How easy it is to forget that we are all simply sinners saved by Grace. These little darlings remind us, don't they? And so, I'm beginning to see that Caleb, Brody and Asher aren't just my charges; they are the tools He has purposed to refine this woman, into a clearer reflection of His Grace, as I learn to accept it in my weakness and extend it in theirs.